As We Approach Valentine's Day

I have been responding to a number of queries from various media sources regarding what Valentine's Day means for single people. It realy got me thinking about the subject matter. I want to share some thoughts about what it may mean for singles as well as for people who are married or dating.
In my personal and professional experience, no matter what your situation is, Valentine's is a tough and loaded holiday, if you call it that.
For those who are single and want to be in a relationship, but without a prospect of one at the moment, it simply is a tough day to get through, you feel like you have a scarlet letter on your forhead.
I always explore with my single patients ways to deal with this day, what it means to them, bringing to their minds other Valentine's when things were different, remembering it is one day and is not a reflection on the rest of your life. I do not think you must have a date for Valentine's just to feel like you are OK. I think it is important to keep in mind that most people have spent this day alone or without a romanatic partner at some time or another. Having no date this Valentine's does not mean that you won't next time.
One reporter, asked if we should have a Singles Recognition Day. My response was no, because being single is not something to make a deal about. That's life, sometimes you are in love and sometimes not. You have to ride the waves of life graciously and not let public preasure make you feel there is something tragic to make a stand about.
I don't have magic advice for singles on Valentine's, but here are some ideas:
-work all day
-plan a really fun night doing a favorite thing with your nearest and dearest friend(s)
-pamper yourself to the utmost
-go away if it falls on a weekend to a long desired destination
-try to surround yourself with love that you do have in your life as the day is really about LOVE, not just romantic love.
For those who are in relationships, dating, this is a tough holiday as there are many expectations attached to this day. What kind of gift will I get and what does it say about our relationship or where we are at? There is much agonizing about what to get for your date, not to put too much or too little meaning. Many, especially women, hope for a ring or some indication of a committment on this day. This all creates a lot of preassure, angst and at times, dissappointment.
For married couples, it is a similar situation. How the day gets acknowledged or handled also has a lot of meaning about the feelings in and about the marriage and where the couple is. A lot of weight gets attached to the kind of gift that is chosen, what flowers, where to have dinner. All these choices in them have potential messages about the presence or absence of romance, connection and intimacy.
So as you can see, it is not so simple for anyone. My advice is, remember its about LOVE, do your best to express it to who you love on daily basis in all ways you can. Valentine's is just a day in a year, don't get so hung up on it. All my best!

On The Holiday Season

As the holiday season is upon us I wanted to share some thoughts with you.

It occurs to me that when everyone tells you "Happy Holidays" and there are all the decorations and the whole holiday frenzy going on, it's a lot of pressure to feel happy. Many of us don't feel so happy and holidays don't automatically make us feel happy. Actually, sometimes we feel worse around the holidays because of the pressure to feel good. Holidays are a time when we take stock of the year passing and what happened or didn't. We also especially miss and grieve the loss of loved ones.

The December holidays of Hanukkah, Christmas and Kwanzaa in my mind are celebrations of gratitude and generosity and connecting.

The whole issue of giving and receiving gifts can activate old issues. The questions of worth, entitlement, deprivation are among many. Then there is also anxiety about spending money in these hard economic times. BE GENEROUS - give and receive with open heart and hands.

I am big on finding things to be great full about. Think about what is good in your life, simple stuff: a good movie, beautiful music, a great meal, not to mention health, work.

When you take stock of the year that is ending try to be honest and not only find what went wrong. Where there any positive developments? Did you meet any personal goals? Look for what was good and what is good. When making resolutions for the next year, be realistic. Make resolutions that are possible to achieve. Push yourself, but don't set yourself up for disappointment.

I think that what makes holidays wonderful and special is connecting with those who you love; those who make your heart feel softer. Who do you love in your life? Who loves you? Think honestly, who do you want to share holidays with, reach out to them. Spending time with those people in your life, sharing meals, laughter, conversation, will fill you with joy and gratitude. That as close as we can get to happiness, isn’t it? It is what holidays are all about. Take the time, slow down and connect.

Have wonderful holidays!

Reactions to New York Magazine's article "Sex Diaries"

In the past 2 weeks a number of my patients discussed in our therapy sessions their reactions to the article in New York Magazine titles "Sex Diaries". One, a female in her mid-thirties, single said she is considering moving from New York after reading the article. Another, unhappily married man in his forties said, "I think, I will stay married, I can not fathom dating in this climate". This article and the people described made them and many others feel hopeless about meeting a "normal" person to date.

I basically have to reassure them both that the people featured in this article do not represent the mainstream of our society and that "this element" exists and always has in whatever form that made sense at that time. I beleive that in spite of changes that took place in the past 10 plus years with advent of text massaging and other technological devices which enable people in dating situations to conduct their "business" in more impersonal and "multitasking" ways, "normal" and considerate treatment of others still exists and will continue to exist among like-minded adults which is what one would want anyway.

That being said, the patterns of managing dating/sexual relationships depicted in the article are disturbing, not because of polyamorouness and particular sexual behaviours but because these behaviours contiribute to further alienation, disconnection and trouble in romantic relationships. Wars in the romantic world, I believe, lead to more depression, anxiety and other emotional problems. People become interchangable and objectified, the time slot/convenience become more important then the individual. There is anxiety about too much choice, about making the wrong choice, of being too enthusiastic, appearing too eager, of not being chosen, of appearing prudish, etc. This whole situation is wriddled with anxiety and will inevitably lead to rejection and loneliness. The "diarists" at the end of it all seem miserable, empty and hungry for more human connection.

It is my experience as a therapist for over 20 years, that being able to connect with significant others and people in general is the bedrock of mental health and emotional well-being. What is described in the artricle is antitheses of connection. Vulnerability is feared and shamefull. No wonder "diarists" are anxious and are frantically looking to fill themselves with quantity rather then quality. This behavior is a dysfunctional attempt to cope with anxiety, depression, loneliness, insecurity and fear of rejection.